Problems Persist

These past few months have held some of the hardest and darkest moments of my life. I could go into great detail of every issue that I faced, but I’d rather not. I’ve discussed the events that have troubled me ad nauseam, and I currently find myself wondering if people have the patience or desire to listen to me recount my darker feelings. It feels like I’m a drain on others. The small strain of self-awareness I still posses only confirms that belief with every subtle sigh and sad, tired expression that stares back at me during one of my ‘therapy’ sessions. I need to stop. Reiterating my feelings or answering questions about them in this particular phase of life feels like picking at a scab, and I don’t need more pronounced scars.

But what am I supposed to do now? I have good days characterized by funny moments and a slight sense of purpose, but those days are fueled by one thing: distraction. As soon as the bustle of work or the company of friends goes away, I start to creep back to the dark mental space that I had spent the entire day trying to avoid.

When you don’t like a movie, you can turn it off. When you’re consistently dissatisfied at work, you can apply for another job. But it’s tough when you can’t escape your most damaging space: your mind.

This is the part that drives me absolutely bonkers: I shouldn’t feel this way. It makes no sense. Sure, I believe I was completely justified in being sad and downtrodden for a while, but I believe that moment of grace has passed. I am a strong, independent woman that knows everything I’ve been through is a part of life. Sickness is often unavoidable, and heartbreak seems to be inevitable. But gosh, things really got to me and shook me in a foundational way that I was entirely unprepared for. I’m still trying to unpack exactly what went wrong and why I’m taking so long to recover.

The only thing I can think to do is to keep going forward. I feel like my only refuge is to stay busy, stay alert. Is this plan of action sustainable? Probably not. But I’m hoping for a heart transformation along the way. Maybe I can find something to reinvigorate me. Maybe I will unpack several jewels of wisdom from these bad experiences that will go on to help others. I have found myself checking the news obsessively. I think my underlying logic for exposing myself to all of that outside heartache and headache is that the world’s problems will put my own issues into perspective. Maybe it will even give me something to rally against and help me channel my frustration into righteous anger (which necessitates righteous action). Whatever the outcome, I hope the journey takes me on a path that leads to glorification of God and helps me leave the world in a slightly better place than it was when I entered it.

It will be tough. I sincerely hope that my internal problems and current issues of the world do not have more stamina than I do.